China 2014 - Day 5 {Adoption Day}

~Monday, May 5, 2014~

Know that today (Tuesday) was a good day, but I want to include as much as I can about yesterday first. It's raw and honest. It's the day Beilyn officially became a member of our family, but it was a rough day.  Also, I wanted to explain that while some of Beilyn's behaviors are making things hard, it's also the physical markers we can see for syndromes that keep making me over analyze everything. It's easier to think through the behaviors (or lack there of) knowing she is scared and grieving but some things are just not "normal" with Beilyn and it makes me scared of the unknowns. She is fearfully and wonderfully made by our Creator, but she is unique.

Alex and I were both up by 3:30am. I broke down again, telling him I just wanted to go home where it's safe and not so full of unknowns. It felt like too much to take on. And while imagining the future of raising a special needs child, it made me ache for my healthy babies at home like I've never felt before. Alex agreed he was scared too but we both knew our hearts wouldn't let us leave her here in China. I knew the adoption officials would be asking us questions during the paperwork later in the day that I wouldn't be able to answer honestly. I told Alex and he suggested that maybe if we had another day to let Beilyn adjust, that we'd feel better about everything. Alex called Shirley and asked if we could postpone the official paperwork until Tuesday. She agreed. (I share this information so that other adoptive families who might find themselves feeling the same way will know they are not alone.) Disruption was not an option but we wanted more time to bond with her before answering their questions.

Beilyn screamed if I wasn't holding her, so Alex had to hold her up against me while I tried to get ready. (We are relishing in the little blessings. We are thankful she will let Alex hold her for short periods if he is helping her be close to me.)

Breakfast was hard. She cried through most of it. I couldn't put her down. She can't suck at all so we are giving her liquids via syringe. She doesn't know how to eat from a spoon.  She only knows finger foods. She chokes a lot.  We gave up and decided to go for a walk. As we walked, we talked about how we were feeling.

Alex and I did a lot of talking yesterday... about what living a life for Him is really about. We want our lives to look "radical," to be different from the world's view so that people see Jesus at work in our lives. We know God chose adoption for our lives for a purpose. We know He chose Beilyn for a purpose.  We realized that more than anything else, we want to walk in faithful obedience to His calling and He called us to her.  The idea of parenting her (maybe for the rest of our lives) scares us to death, but when we die, we want Him to say "well done, good and faithful servant."  We want to be living for His kingdom and not this world.   

An excerpt from David Platt's book Radical

We also did some crying (ok, maybe a lot of crying on my part). We cried because we know things will be different. We cried because we are honored He thinks we are up for the task. And then I cried because I was mad that He thinks we are up for the task.  I cried because seeing my child who looks different and acts different makes me sad for her future and how people will treat her. I cried because it makes my 3 healthy girls at home seem like even bigger blessings than I already thought they were.  I cried when I read the encouraging words of fellow adoptive mommas who get it.  Seriously, they are wise women. I let Alex read a couple of the messages they sent me and he teared up too and said, "You have smart friends."  They encouraged us to give out of sacrificial love, to keep our eyes fixed on Him and not the scary things we were seeing, and that it was ok to grieve. I am not exaggerating when I say I have received well over 100 private messages or emails in the last 48 hours.  We are so blessed with amazing family and friends who are praying and supporting us!

As we sat at the park and cried together about what it means to fully trust Him, He gave us this little miracle...Beilyn took a couple of steps for us. She hasn't done it since and really isn't even stable just standing, but He knew we needed a little push of reassurance.

It's hard to know right now if Beilyn's delays are related to being in the orphanage, grieving, or mental delays.  My guess is probably a mixture of all 3.  At times, her grieving is palpable. She is so scared and sad. Sometimes, she is blank, doesn't respond to sound or us trying to get her attention. She functions more like a 9-12 month old, which is not unusual with being institutionalized. I am sure she has emotional scars that run deeper than we will ever know.

Once we were back at the hotel, we knew there was no reason to delay the paperwork.  He chose us for her and her for us.  

At 2:15pm, we arrived at the Civil Affairs office where the official adoption paperwork would be signed. While we were waiting on the photographer to arrive for the family photo that's attached to the adoption decree, Beilyn was crying. I was trying to soothe her and saying, "It's ok. Don't be scared." I'm not sure if I was saying it more for her or for myself.  Miss Beilyn ended up doing really well for the photo, even though you can tell she had been crying.

Waiting on paperwork to be prepared. So thankful she is learning to find comfort with her mama.

Before we signed and stamped our thumb prints, they handed us a form we had to complete with our thoughts on the adoption, stating we would never abandon or abuse her, provide medical care and education, etc.  And then we read the question, "Have you come to the decision to adopt after serious deliberation?" I looked at Alex and said, "It's the most serious thing we have ever decided." I marked the little box next to yes with tears in my eyes. 

Leaving his red thumbprint over his signature to finalize everything.

Then it was my turn. Beilyn and I were both crying, but in that moment, I looked at those red thumbprints and it reminded me of the blood He poured out in the ultimate sacrifice for us. I repeated in my head, "It's all because of Him."

And just like He always does, He sent us what we needed when I felt like I couldn't breathe. She smiled and pointed at the photos on the wall. It was like a little hug from God saying, "Trust me. It's going to be ok."

We completed the adoption paperwork by answering more questions at the notary and then going to the police station to apply for Beilyn's passport. All the while, we held our breaths and braced for impact no less than four times during the ride through town. The drivers here are insane.  

We made it back to our hotel and I started feeding Beilyn some dinner while Alex went to find dinner for us.  The emotions of the day came crashing in as I watched Beilyn cry and struggle to eat or drink. When Alex returned, he found both of us covered in agonizing tears. I told him the only thing I could compare it to was how I felt when my Gramps died.  I can only imagine what Beilyn was thinking. I went to bed thankful for a husband who has unwavering faith and a God who comforts me.


Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
-Oceans, Hillsong